What I see when I look in the mirror

I have been over weight for as long as I can remember. When I was young my mom made all of my clothes (or most of them). I distinctly remember going shopping for my first pair of real “jeans” when I was in Jr High. I look back at pictures of myself then and I was over weight, not obese, but I sure remember feeling like I was huge.

It’s kind of funny, I think that one of the reasons it was so easy for me to gain this weight is for the longest time I haven’t really felt or seen myself all that huge. I know that I can’t fit in the seat; I know that my clothes are size 26 and 28, and I know what I weigh. The thing is, when I look in the mirror I don’t see a big fat person, I see a pretty good looking woman even when I am fresh out of the shower. I see curves, nice breasts, and all in all I like the way my body looks. My body has done me well over the past 46 years; I’ve had 4 children and nursed all of them for a time. Everything works; I have no problems with knees, wrists, eyes or even my back. I have no reason to “hate” or be “grossed out” or be “repulsed” by my body.

Maybe if those things were true though I wouldn’t have let myself get so heavy and out of shape. After weight loss surgery some people have issues with still seeing themselves as fat when they look in the mirror. They still live in a fat brain and it takes some time to get used to being something other than obese. I have to wonder what it will be like for me.

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers...

“Attention Wal-Mart shoppers….. Get your shit and get out”. At 9:30pm on a school night if you say this in a loud intercom type voice, all of the teenagers in your house that do not live with you will scurry for the door and leave. I know this because this is how my hubby always sends the kids on their way. They laugh and giggle as they put their shoes on and head for home.

The first time he did this I was horrified. I thought our 16 year old daughter would die of embarrassment. You see, we are new in town, these are her new friends. We moved from a big city to a very small town last August and she knew no one. To my amazement she wasn't horrified at all. She actually said “thank you, I'm so tired and I didn’t know how to tell them they had to go home”. So for the most part now we have a plan ahead of time. She knows that at 11:00pm on a Friday or Saturday night hubby is going to make that announcement. Weekdays it’s earlier and we agree on a time before the friends come over. Now it has become his signature “good night”. He says “Attention Wal-Mart shoppers…. And the kids finish by saying “we know…. Get your shit/stuff and get out”.

Allie (16 year old daughter) officially has a boyfriend. He is a nice kid from the next town that she met at school. They have been hanging around together for a while. He was over last night watching a movie with Allie until 9:30 when hubby says… you guessed it, Attention Wal-Mart shoppers… He laughs and says I know I’m going. So Allie walks him to the front door and he says “Allie I really like you a lot and I want to know if you’ll be my girl friend”, she said yes. Then he asked if he could kiss her….. Ahhhh how cute is that. He gave her a peck on the lips and left for home. She was all giddy after he left. It’s fun to watch. I’ll try and remember how much fun watching the giddy part is, because the heartbreak later will be painful to watch. I think this is her first official boyfriend.

The first day of the rest of my life

Today is the day after Easter, a new beginning for me personally. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Three weeks from now I will under go weight loss surgery, a gastric bypass. It has been a long process of learning, researching, classes and personal growth. I’m ready.

I had a plan that on this Monday, the day after Easter, I would begin really preparing for the surgery in several different ways. Up until now I have been experimenting with the different types of vitamins and nutritional drinks I will be required to have for the rest of my life. Today is the day that I will start that regimen.

I don’t really care for the Carnation Instant Breakfast that my doctor’s office recommends for protein and vitamins. I have trouble tolerating milk products. They do not sit well in my stomach and also gives me terrible gas. I have been adding Whey protein to things like decaffeinated coffee, water or some other no calorie beverage and I do not get the gas or rumble in my tummy. I think the protein won’t be a problem. Now the protein doesn’t provide the vitamins that the Carnation Instant Breakfast does so I will have to make sure I get the vitamins in another form. I bought the Centrum chewable with out iron, Citrecal +D, B-Complex, B-12 sublingual, and Iron. Today I started on this regimen of taking the vitamins and having the protein drink three times a day. I will eat very small meals with very little carbs for the next three weeks.

Up until today I have been having trouble with what they call “The last supper syndrome”, every time I was to eat something I would think about how I will not be able to eat this again… at least not for a long time. Then I eat too much. I have gained some weight back that I lost in order to have this surgery.

So today is day 1. I will post everyday to help keep me honest.

My hubby is not happy that I am not following the doctors’ instructions of Carnation Instant Breakfast, a multi vitamin and Citrical. He is a “rule” follower. I have tried to explain to him that I have lots of information from all of the research I have done and that I have spent countless hours in classes and support groups learning everything I can about nutrition, how the digestive system works and what will and will not be absorbed after the bypass. He is still not convinced that I should waiver at all from the doctors’ instructions. I know that part of his apprehension has to do with the surgery date getting closer and he is worried about me.

I just noticed that I have a comment on my last post. My very first comment. How exciting is that? Someone actually has read the things I have written down.

I had a rough start to the day today. Teenage son driving me crazy again. He wants his life to be about "fun" and "free time". He really doesn't like the fact that work needs to be a big part of your life. He is angry about having to work. I have no idea where this comes from. Both my husband and I have very strong work ethics and we work hard for the things we have. I really don't understand the entitlement attitude. He is going to be 19 in June, he has his GED, he has been fired from the last 3 or 4 jobs for punctuality. My mistake was trying to talk to him this morning before I left the house. Enough of that... I'm clenching my teeth again.

I managed to somehow hit the garage door on my way out with the truck. Doesn't look dented, but got the paint from the door jam all down the side of the truck. Hopefully it will buff out. Got a late start and wasn't able to walk at the mall, which has become my morning ritual. I'm sorry I missed that time today. I will go tomorrow.

Work is stressful for me right now because I am trying to get everything done for when I am out having the surgery. The HR department tells me that I am not allowed to even work from home without a doctors note (which I think is just nuts). I have plenty of sick time and I don't mind doing things from home if I am able. I'm not asking to be paid or to use time other than sick time. I just have things that only I know how to do and I want my department to run smoothly while I am out. I am the department head and it's my neck on the line if they don't run smoothly.

My daughter and son-in-law are very sick with the flu. I am going to pick up my grand daughter at lunch time and take her to lunch and bring her back to work to "help me" for a little while this afternoon. She is 4 and needs to get out for a while. I just hope that I'm not going to catch whatever is going around at that house. I really can't afford to be sick right now.

My surgery date is April 15th and I finally have that "this is really going to happen" feeling. I went to the dentist yesterday and need to have a couple of very old silver fillings replaced. I am going to call the doctors later today to make sure that it's okay for me to have dental work done before the surgery. I don't want to do anything I'm not supposed to that will prolong the process.

The dentist also recommended that I see an oral surgeon about my jaw pain. I'm sure that it's from clenching my teeth. I've been doing it a while and I think that it's related to some of the medication I take. It could also be stress related, or maybe both. I have terrible jaw pain on the right side, with clicking and an earache. I am to the point where I can't even open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich. Chewing really hurts. This won't be a problem right after the surgery but about 4 weeks from then I must start eating regular food and chewing everything very well before I swallow it. So the chewing will be an issue later.

Teenagers, finances, surgery, work.... I think I have about the same amount of stress levels as most parents with teenagers and bills. I wonder why I'm taking it out on my teeth?

I have a Date!

I just got off the phone with the surgeons office. There was some confusion about the dates on the approval letter so the surgeon could not schedule the surgery last week. They only approved it as a day surgery and I’m pretty sure that gastric bypass requires more than a few hours in the hospital. We finally got things straightened out this morning and now I have my dates. April 2nd for pre-testing and April 15th for the actual surgery. I have some serious butterflies right now.

I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I have so much do get done at work for the time I will be out of the office. Lots of things to do in preparation for my absence. My assistant should be able to handle everything if I do the prep work. It’s a busy time of year in my office but I do not want to put this surgery off for one more day than I have to. With the April 15th date I should be pretty much recovered from the surgery before the summer weather gets here. I can’t wait to wear a bathing suit a size or two smaller in July.

Only 5 weeks to go!

I got the offical approval letter in the mail from my insurance company on Saturday and it looks like I will have the surgery the beginning of April. I'm excited about being able to have the surgery at the beginning of April as it will give me a few months to get used to my new life style before summer arrives.
My mom knows about the surgery and she has been very supportive through this process. I haven't told very many people yet because this has been a very personal decision and it was not an easy one to make. I have had a few negative reactions from people that I didn't expect so I have been quite about my plans.
We had a lot of snow on Saturday morning but it compacted quickly and today it's fairly mild and melting. Another storm due later this week but should be mostly rain.
That's all for now.