My very first post on my very first Blog

Well, this is it. My first post, on my first Blog. I have spent hours and hours reading the blogs of others and always thought I wouldn't know what to write. My other thoughts were "can I write, will my grammar be good enough, who would want to read what I write" and other stuff like that. Then I thought, who cares about grammar or how I write and do I really need others to read what I write? I had to ask myself several questions about why I wanted to start writing on this blog. The conclusions I came to were I need to start putting some things down on paper... (well you get the drift) to try and make sense of what is going on around me. I've never kept a journal or a diary filled with private thoughts or questions. I would like to share a bit of myself and my thoughts with others, even if they only exist in my mind. I'm 46 years old and I've lived through a lot, some great times, happy times, extreme grief, and more happy times. You might get the impression from that last sentence that my life has been like a Danielle Steel novel, hmmm... you might be right.

I am going to try not to ramble on and on for my first post but I am finding it difficult to figure out how to begin. I have some serious issues on my plate right now and I suppose I should write about those today, however, there is a lot of background information that may bore you to tears. The most pressing issue for me right at the moment is my son. He is 18 and basically a good kid, very personable and liked by most people. He decided at 16 that high school was not for him, "to much drama" for his liking. He wanted to quit, get his GED and go on to college early. There was no talking him out of it and he was over 16 which makes it legal for him to drop out of high school in Massachusetts. He did pass the GED test and went to the local community college to take a couple of courses to see how that would go. The money for the classes came from his savings account and I told him that I would give him half back if he got B's or better. He got F's. That one semester of college and two failing grades is as far as he's gone with his education at this point. My wish is that someday he will smarten up and return to school. Many do.

In the meantime he is working, he has had three jobs during 2007 and he has been asked to leave two of them. His main problem is punctuality. For some reason his internal clock or whatever it is that makes you conscious of time or lack there of, is broken. He can NOT be on time, not just for work, but for anything. This is nothing new and it has made me crazy for years. Try as I might I can't fix it. He is in danger of losing his current job for the same reason. There may be other reason too, but I know that he isn't getting up and out early enough to be on time most days.

Even though he is working full time and he has minimal expenses, he can't make it from one paycheck to the next without asking, begging, borrowing money from me or others. He often tells me he doesn't have enough gas to get to work or to get home from work and other reasons that have compelled me and others to give/loan him money. He works about an hours drive from where we live. I have had my suspicions about what he was doing with his money for some time now. I was just in denial and hoping that I was wrong. I wasn't. He is getting high, spending most of his income on pot and I have been enabling him for some time buy giving him my money for gas so he can spend his on other things. I also provide him with a free place to live and free food in the refrigerator.

Later today I have asked him to meet me so we can talk. He knows that I am upset about the pot. I confronted him with what I knew yesterday and he didn't even try to deny it, which is very unlike him, he just said "it's the only thing that keeps me sane". Why doesn't he understand that it is the "thing" that is ruining his life....? I am going to interject a little background info here... Nick is a child that has had difficulty his entire life with a learning disability, depression, low self esteem and he lost his father to brain cancer at the age of15. He has been numerous times to counseling has taken medication for ADD and depression. He currently refuses to take any medication and he isn't interested in counseling. He is 18 and I can’t' make him go. He is angry at God for taking his dad, he has a very short fuse but so far it hasn't gotten him into any real trouble. I worry about suicide, drugs, the people he hangs around with, his anger and the trouble that will get him into. I love him dearly, I want him to be content if not happy, and I want him to be on time!

I have asked him to meet me so we can talk later this afternoon. I have thought long and hard about what I need to say and how best to say it. I love him, but I can no longer enable him to buy drugs by giving him money for gas or anything else, I will no longer give him ANY cash. He must earn all of his own money. I am going to also tell him that I am going to buy drug test kits at the pharmacy and he will be asked randomly to provide a urine sample for a test. If at any time the test comes back positive or if he refuses to do the test he will not be allowed to live at my house. Today I will tell him that this all starts in two weeks because I think that is about how long the drugs will need to get out of his system. This is ripping my heart out and I am paralyzed with fear that he will do something stupid and end up in jail or worse but I can't let the fear stop me from doing what I believe is the right thing. I can no longer enable him and allow him to make bad choices because I made it easy for him to do so.

I expect that he will tell me that he won't live by those rules and he will move out over the next two weeks. I don't know where he will go but I do know that he probably will always find a warm place to sleep at night.

Besides my son I have two daughters, one is 16 and still lives at home. She is behind my decision and knows that this is the best thing to do, but like me she is afraid of where things could go from here. My oldest daughter is 25 and she also left home angry when she was 18, although for very different reasons. That was seven years ago and since that time we have become very close, she is married with two children, they own their own home. She works full time and goes to school. In her case it all worked out for the best. She will tell you (and has told her brother) what a mistake that was and how sorry she is now for the bad choices she made. He just doesn't see it. Can it work out twice? Will he be okay? Will we be able to have a relationship at some point down the road? He is no where near being adult enough to take care of himself. This parenting stuff doesn't get any easier.

Tomorrow I will fill you in on the big meeting. I also want to spend some time writing about my upcoming by-pass surgery. I have my last meeting with the psychologist in the morning. I have been going through the program for almost 7 months. Lots to write about.